I’ve lived in Frisco for a month now, and I must say that I mostly love it. The school district, rich history, a Starbucks at every intersection – these are all great things. But unfortunately, one thing in this town is a giant thorn in my side.
At this point I’d like to apologize to those of you who thought this would be another flowery article only in praise of Frisco. But when you consider that there’s only one thing I don’t like about Frisco…is that really so bad? One couldn’t say that about Baghdad or Beirut, after all.
The thing in this city that I deplore, detest, abhor and (pausing to look at the thesaurus one more time) anathematize….are those bumpy metal things that divide the lanes on a lot of the roads.
You know what I’m talking about. Those things that punish your tires when you change lanes or turn. One moment you’re cruising along, thinking about what kind of fancy-pants drink you’re going to get at Starbucks, and the next moment, you’re bouncing all over the place and it sounds like a giant bumble bee is outside your car begging for honey. Now I personally never give honey to bum bumble bees, so I find it that much more irritating when the bumpy metal things and my tires start simulating their buzzing.
I personally can’t see the advantage of these things over regular painted lane divider lines. Am I supposed to take comfort in the fact that I could drive with my eyes closed and never drift out of my lane? The same guy who invented Braille must have invented them to improve driving for blind people. The only problem is that no one told him that blind people don’t generally drive.
So who is responsible for putting these abominable metal bumpy things on our roads? After doing some reporting, I discovered that it was the work of city official Dr. Ronald J. Featherdorf, director of Lane Dividing Engineering*. I sat down with Dr. Featherdorf yesterday in his humble dining room while Mrs. Featherdorf made chocolate chip cookies.
First I asked him about his credentials, and he replied, “I hold a doctorate from MIT in Lane Dividing, and I have worked in the industry for 215 years.”
At this point I reminded the doctor that cars have only existed for 100 years, and he gingerly laughed, saying, “All right, four years.” However, an evil look remained his eye the remainder of the interview, which told me that he did not like to be corrected.
He explained the need for the bumpy lane dividers this way: “When people are driving, they must not become too comfortable, for if they do, they will surely fall asleep. And as we all know, unconsciousness can impair one’s driving skills.”
It was hard to argue this point with Dr. Featherdorf because, firstly, my mouth was full of Mrs. Featherdorf’s chocolate chip cookies. And secondly, it was a good point. Despite the doctor’s strange attire (which was only a Panama hat), he was indeed a wise man.
Perhaps my distaste for the metal bumpy things on our roads is irrational and unfounded. But even if it is, that shall not stop my campaign against them. For most campaigns are irrational, especially if a hippy is involved. You may ask what my replacement for the metal bumpy things is. Well, I’ve got an answer for you, fellow citizen…your own conscious effort to not drift out your lane and hit the car next to you. Is that good enough?
*Not an actual city official or department
